Joke thread

[duke62]

Lets hear some clean non-racy jokes.I dont have many so i will start off with this one.


When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

 

[beerfish]

So this Irish guy walks past a bar...

 

[ryangrieder]

This one time.... At band camp...

 

[masterswimmer]

Take my wife.........please

 

[ZANYMASTER]

Might have to be edited.


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen

 

[IamRobG]

How about poor taste?? If you get offended by this joke, too bad i don't know you personally.


So christmas comes along and there's 2 brothers, tommy who's 3 and billy who's 5. Christmas morning they come downstairs and there's hundreds of presents more than you can ever imagine and they're all for little tommy. A few hours goes by and they get to the last present and its a sweater for billy. Tommy's upstairs playing with all his toys and goes hey billy i got all these toys and all you got was a lousy sweater, billy goes oh yeah at least i dont have cancer.

 

[Og Drogon]

So far so good, all 4 are funny


I'm Nemo mother!

 

[NL146]

How about poor taste?? If you get offended by this joke, too bad i don't know you personally.


So christmas comes along and there's 2 brothers, tommy who's 3 and billy who's 5. Christmas morning they come downstairs and there's hundreds of presents more than you can ever imagine and they're all for little tommy. A few hours goes by and they get to the last present and its a sweater for billy. Tommy's upstairs playing with all his toys and goes hey billy i got all these toys and all you got was a lousy sweater, billy goes oh yeah at least i dont have cancer.

You got my vote for poor taste and not funny at all. But in your favor you did say that you don't care how what you say affects anybody.

 

[beerfish]

I saw a wino the other day eating grapes. I said dude, you have to wait!

(Courtesy of Mitch Hedberg)

 

[IamRobG]

You got my vote for poor taste and not funny at all. But in your favor you did say that you don't care how what you say affects anybody.

That joke gets 2 reactions. Hysterical laughter or utter disgust.